MALICE IN FACEBOOKLAND

Scandal, gossip, trash talk—these are a few of my faaaavourite things, but, if you’re not a Julie Andrews fan, and are thinking of giving LV FB a try, here are some rules and helpful tips.

Rules:

1. Never never say anything even remotely suggesting that you do not actively support all things GAY. Eminence grise, American-Latvian journalist Karlis Streips called me a homophobe because I once commented that Oscar Wilde was gay. Homophobe is an inflammatory word, the N word of this decade. There is nothing worse than being termed a homophobe—although Oscar Wilde would be rolling in his grave with laughter. Don’t let this happen to you. You’ll be blocked and banned—and that’s just for starters. P.S. to state that someone is gay is only homophobic if “gay” is an insult. Just sayin’.

2. Never criticize self-appointed publisher Juris Zagarins’ pathetic Latvian jokes where he makes fun of Latvia’s poverty and Latvian’s broken English. And never neglect to fawn over his aged cat, Cocopuff. Publishing self-indulgent e-dung on FB, one should have no reasonable expectation of public rebuttal. FB is a single-minded, always warm-fuzzy place to spout one’s opinion.

3. Never intimate that you could view Republicans other than evil devils. Never praise strong, outspoken women like Ann Coulter. Always hate Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. Note that the mere mention of the letter T has virulent anti-Teabagger, Juris Zagarins, blathering uncontrollably. Politics be damned, there will be NO free thinking here!

4. LIKE every picture posted of chubby FB journalist Juris Kaza. Because there is no “ugh” button.

5. Never suggest that pot is not a gift from God.

Tips:

1. If you really want to join LV FB, but have no friends, message FB journalist (everyone’s a journalist on LV FB) Juris Kaza who will provide friends. Possibly a small fee is required for this service. He will also vet friends who ask to be friended. If Kaza doesn’t like you, you’ll be called a troll, a construct, a fictive identity, a Nazi, or a fucking bitch.

2. Brush up on Latvian. Juris Zagarins and Karlis Streips will be quick to pick up on mistakes and make fun of you. Because their grasp on English is pristine.

3. Once you post an item or a comment, you want to be LIKED. You can actually buy LIKES ($7). People will notice you if you have, let’s say, ten LIKES, and that’s only 70$. Or you can arrange to be LIKED by Friends already on LV FB, but that will cost you more. Ya can’t buy happiness, but LIKES are cheap as shit.

4. If you’re a racist, or at least anti semitic, you’ll fit in with many LV FB friends living in the old country. Which goes delightfully well with defending against all things homophobic and pro-cannabis hippiedom.

5.  Realize that the word friend does not mean a caring person. More often than not a LV FB friend is    someone who enjoys maligning you. But, most important of all: it helps to be completely sloshed when posting and commenting on LV FB. But then it helps a lot of things.

Now, here’s how I myself fell down this incestuous rabbit hole:

I was really into LV FB when, a few months ago, I see this thing pop up.

“We’re adults here, Ilze. Shoo.”

What?

Yep, this gem came straight from the poison pen of thing Anita Nagelis.

I didn’t know this individual and just ignored her until I got the full whammy. I soon met centre stage LV FB characters. Three heavies: Karlis Streips, Juris Kaza, Juris Zagarins—actually only Kaza is heavy and Zagarins is outright scrawny. Plus one dominatrix, Anita Nagelis with her boy toys:  Vidas (Wide-Ass) Germanis and Aleks (Tapette) Tapinsh.

Around them milled legions of LOLLs (Little Old Latvian Ladies), liking, praising, fawning and ingratiating themselves as best they knew how.

I soon learned that Anita Nagelis’ poison was not a first. She has already chased people away from latviansonline’s Forum. In fact people were afraid of her.

Okay, “the shoo” was just for starters. Next Dominatrix—adept at the beloved Latvian practice called “nodošana” (reporting on someone), perfected under Communism—went behind the scene, poisoning LV FB heavies against me. Behind the scenes work is done by secretive messaging where plots are hatched to humiliate and insult someone who seems to be blissfully enjoying himself/herself.

Anita Nagelis is an unlikely dominatrix—middle aged, frumpy, but destructive as hell. Still, there are those who love her floggings. Like little brother Soviet “cilvḕks”, Aleks (Tapette) Tapinsh, another self proclaimed journalist, as well as feeble-minded sycophant Vidas (Wide-Ass) Germanis.

Still want to go on LV FB?

Then enjoy!