Would you say my friend, Canis Lacuk, is a slimy beach? Of course you wouldn’t. But one Peteris Cedrins did just that. Self-appointed poet laureate Cedrins was not provoked in any way. Canis was just there, on FB, along with other “friends”.  But Cederins, already enraged by one thing or another, just needed to lash out. And who better for the poet to kick than a dog? To give him credit, or discredit, I think he meant bitch, but that too is bizarre since Canis has never hidden the fact that he’s male.

The random rage displayed by Latvian men living in Latvia is truly baffling. One other ragenick is self-proclaimed film maker Juris Eksteins who lashed out at me on one of his posts because I wrote that I did not like the film Last Tango in Paris. But he did. What a reason to go ballistic!

Why are these guys a heartbeat away from a complete psychotic break?

My friend Parsla Blakis writes that it’s because they have to watch Stalin’s May 8 celebratory march every year. That’s a bit of levity, on Parsla’s part. But, most probably, whether the guys are pro or contra, it’s a good day to get wasted.

Still, there are other reasons for this uncontrolled rage.

Latvia is traditionally a patriarchal society. It is also, unfortunately, a brutal society where the man of the house, the muzhik, feels he can kick the cat, beat the dog, slap around the wife and kids. (I’m sure there are Latvian men who escape this characterization but not these guys.)

Both Eksteins and Cederins are unemployed. How else would they have time to post endless reams of self-important stuff? But their fixation on FB is not enough for a real life. In frustration they turn to kicking the nearest cat– or my friend Canis, or myself, for that matter.

Plus there’s the drinking and smoking and strained relationship with the opposite (or same, as the case may be)sex. When I lived in Latvia my female friends were interested in “arzemnieki.” So what’s a scruffy, unemployed ragenick to do? Well, go on LV FB and rage some more.  That really is the only place a ragenick can vent legally without being hauled off to a Russian-speaking jail cell where there is no Internet access.

The revolution in Ukraine has completely derailed me from my intended blog, which was to be the duality of LV FB friends. I intended to transcribe private messages to me where friend calls another friend a fucking cunt while doing smiley face in public. But this is so tacky and banal. We all know people (especially LV FB people) are two-faced stab-you-in-the-back types. Nothing new here. But, for a time, it did preoccupy me when I heard, for example, ex-friend Laima Berzins urge another friend to unfriend me. And when John Christmas confided to my dog, Canis Lacuk, that I was a sick bitch. And when I learned that former editor of LAIKS, Astra Moors, wrote gleeful gossip about me to my best friend Ernests Piesis.

All this was wiped away by the events in Kiev. LV FB friends all supported the revolution, and I realized that there is much more going on in the world than petty back biting and character assassination.

On the fine art of Blocking:

No this is not the technique of block printing on fabric you may have learned in art class nor a step in dressmaking your mother may have taught you.

LV FB Blocking is a vicious form of shunning, far more devastating than the Scientologist or Amish practice of turning a member into a non person. Less extreme, perhaps, than the Voodoo religion which  transforms a person into a zombie.

But still.

Check out LV FB on January 17, 2014

Here is Aleks (Tapette) Tapinsh’ comment: I have blocked her, Karlis.

Karlis Streips responds: I have just received advice from another person that Ilze, whom I have blocked, is actually the same person you have just blocked.

Get this. Two grown men (?) competing on who blocked Ilze!

Likes are cheap as shit but to earn a LV FB block you must really be out there.

I was “out there” simply commenting on Canadian versus American health care practices when I was hit with not one, but two full frontal LV FB blocks.

Ilze Berzins: Did you know that wealthy Canadians travel to USA for their medical needs? The reason is because there is a bottleneck of care in Canada. Waiting for, let’s say, an elective colonoscopy takes three to five years. So Canadians go across the border to New York, to Ogdensburg, for the procedure where there is a special clinic which caters to Canadians, on a cash basis.

Aleks Tapinsh: Just paid 1, 170 for prescription medication I need for my sex change operation.

Vidas (Wide Ass) Germanis: Hmmm… Elective choices… Invasive endoscope or reading the trollings of Ilze Berzins… Methinks I can have my lower GI evacuated by Monday.

Ernests Piesis: Wide Ass. If it takes you until Monday to get done with cleansing, you are so full of shit your eyeballs must be brown.

Note: Anyone that uses the word “methinks” is clearly fucked in the head. But I’ll let that pass.

The upside is that I’m on a new planet now, setting my watch by Aussie time since I now have Australian friends who have not yet blocked me.

MALICE IN FACEBOOKLAND

Scandal, gossip, trash talk—these are a few of my faaaavourite things, but, if you’re not a Julie Andrews fan, and are thinking of giving LV FB a try, here are some rules and helpful tips.

Rules:

1. Never never say anything even remotely suggesting that you do not actively support all things GAY. Eminence grise, American-Latvian journalist Karlis Streips called me a homophobe because I once commented that Oscar Wilde was gay. Homophobe is an inflammatory word, the N word of this decade. There is nothing worse than being termed a homophobe—although Oscar Wilde would be rolling in his grave with laughter. Don’t let this happen to you. You’ll be blocked and banned—and that’s just for starters. P.S. to state that someone is gay is only homophobic if “gay” is an insult. Just sayin’.

2. Never criticize self-appointed publisher Juris Zagarins’ pathetic Latvian jokes where he makes fun of Latvia’s poverty and Latvian’s broken English. And never neglect to fawn over his aged cat, Cocopuff. Publishing self-indulgent e-dung on FB, one should have no reasonable expectation of public rebuttal. FB is a single-minded, always warm-fuzzy place to spout one’s opinion.

3. Never intimate that you could view Republicans other than evil devils. Never praise strong, outspoken women like Ann Coulter. Always hate Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. Note that the mere mention of the letter T has virulent anti-Teabagger, Juris Zagarins, blathering uncontrollably. Politics be damned, there will be NO free thinking here!

4. LIKE every picture posted of chubby FB journalist Juris Kaza. Because there is no “ugh” button.

5. Never suggest that pot is not a gift from God.

Tips:

1. If you really want to join LV FB, but have no friends, message FB journalist (everyone’s a journalist on LV FB) Juris Kaza who will provide friends. Possibly a small fee is required for this service. He will also vet friends who ask to be friended. If Kaza doesn’t like you, you’ll be called a troll, a construct, a fictive identity, a Nazi, or a fucking bitch.

2. Brush up on Latvian. Juris Zagarins and Karlis Streips will be quick to pick up on mistakes and make fun of you. Because their grasp on English is pristine.

3. Once you post an item or a comment, you want to be LIKED. You can actually buy LIKES ($7). People will notice you if you have, let’s say, ten LIKES, and that’s only 70$. Or you can arrange to be LIKED by Friends already on LV FB, but that will cost you more. Ya can’t buy happiness, but LIKES are cheap as shit.

4. If you’re a racist, or at least anti semitic, you’ll fit in with many LV FB friends living in the old country. Which goes delightfully well with defending against all things homophobic and pro-cannabis hippiedom.

5.  Realize that the word friend does not mean a caring person. More often than not a LV FB friend is    someone who enjoys maligning you. But, most important of all: it helps to be completely sloshed when posting and commenting on LV FB. But then it helps a lot of things.

Now, here’s how I myself fell down this incestuous rabbit hole:

I was really into LV FB when, a few months ago, I see this thing pop up.

“We’re adults here, Ilze. Shoo.”

What?

Yep, this gem came straight from the poison pen of thing Anita Nagelis.

I didn’t know this individual and just ignored her until I got the full whammy. I soon met centre stage LV FB characters. Three heavies: Karlis Streips, Juris Kaza, Juris Zagarins—actually only Kaza is heavy and Zagarins is outright scrawny. Plus one dominatrix, Anita Nagelis with her boy toys:  Vidas (Wide-Ass) Germanis and Aleks (Tapette) Tapinsh.

Around them milled legions of LOLLs (Little Old Latvian Ladies), liking, praising, fawning and ingratiating themselves as best they knew how.

I soon learned that Anita Nagelis’ poison was not a first. She has already chased people away from latviansonline’s Forum. In fact people were afraid of her.

Okay, “the shoo” was just for starters. Next Dominatrix—adept at the beloved Latvian practice called “nodošana” (reporting on someone), perfected under Communism—went behind the scene, poisoning LV FB heavies against me. Behind the scenes work is done by secretive messaging where plots are hatched to humiliate and insult someone who seems to be blissfully enjoying himself/herself.

Anita Nagelis is an unlikely dominatrix—middle aged, frumpy, but destructive as hell. Still, there are those who love her floggings. Like little brother Soviet “cilvḕks”, Aleks (Tapette) Tapinsh, another self proclaimed journalist, as well as feeble-minded sycophant Vidas (Wide-Ass) Germanis.

Still want to go on LV FB?

Then enjoy!